I’ve been listening to Hunter’s music again.  It’s fucking incredible.  I wish I had talked to him more before he left.  He’s one of the most talented people I’ve ever met.  His music reminds me of mine, it’s music played because he loves it, not because he wants to sell some records or whatever.  Listening to him made me realize what I love the most and why I love it again.  It’s an amazing feeling to just feel that overcome by something bigger than you and knowing that it is so much a part of you that the word “love” doesn’t even describe it.

Oh, love, what do we know about love?  I was thinking about my tattoo idea, which I don’t know if I’d ever get for various reasons, about how I would like a tattoo of the names of the three things I love the most.  But I was thinking about it, really, there is only one thing I have ever loved.  Everything else pales in comparison to this.  And don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about loving people, here, I’m talking about loving a thing, an idea.  Some people love painting, sports, whatever, the passion is still the same.  I know I say it a lot, but the thing I love most in this entire world is music.  Anyone who’s ever seen me play knows what I’m talking about.  I become a different person when I play, completely connected to the music and the sound and the feeling.  I don’t believe that’s me playing it, that’s some manifestation of me that is music.  The only other people I’ve seen this happen with to the extent to which is happens to me are Danner and Hunter.

I get this way when I’m listening to music, too.  It becomes every part of me.  When I say I can’t function without it, I am not kidding.  Doing things without it around leaves me feeling empty.  Sometimes, when I can’t use my Zen, I play songs in my head, hear every note, lyric exactly.  Like I’ve said before, maybe it’s because of that radio in my incubator, maybe this is just how I was made, but whatever it is, I don’t ever want it to go away.  Music is the one thing that means more to me than anything in the entire world.  It the way I communicate all of the things I feel, whether it’s writing, playing, listeing, sharing, music is every part of me.  This sounds crazy to a lot of people, but they’re the ones who have never felt any kind of passion before.  Music is my purest definition of love.  It is how I define love.  If you make your way into my music somehow, then you are truly loved by me.

That’s right, kiddies, I think of people I love in terms of music.  Once I feel them in music, that is how I know I love them.  I realized this a long time ago.  Of course, the most intense form of this I feel is romantic love through music.  It’s indescribable, when you realize you love someone through the thing that is your definition of love.  When it feels to think of them the same as it does when I think of music.  I can still remember the first time this ever happened.  It was like it hit me all of a sudden, a perfect understanding of how I felt about this person.

I’ve been in love three times.  There is only one or two people in my life who know the identities of the three people.  The reason they know this is because all of those who know were there for at least one of them and saw me start feeling them in my music.  They watched the progression and understand what I mean when I say that I recognize my love for another by feeling them in the music I play, write, listen to.  I don’t know if any of the three understand what I’m talking about or even know about it.  Hell, I can’t even be sure they even know about my love for them in the first place for sure.  I suppose it doesn’t matter in this discussion.  The point is that I have been in love three times and I’ve realized that I’ve been romantically in love with all of these gentlemen when I started feeling them in my music.  Maybe that’s crazy, but it is what it is and it’s the truth.

Apparently I love things in threes.  Didn’t somebody say everything comes in groups of three?  I guess the three things I love the most are music, laughter, and connection.  And the three people I’ve loved for real I’ve felt through music.  But I make connections through music and laughter signifies happiness and my happiness is music, so really, isn’t it just one thing that I love?  And my three loves I recognized through music because music is my definition of love, so…really, it’s all one thing, isn’t it?

So, music is my love and love is music and I love others through music so my loves are my music and that’s how I know I love them.  It sounds complicated, but when I feel it, it seems so simple that a baby could understand it.

I am complicating this more than it needs to be.  If I love you, you are my music.  You are my music.